The fellow waiting to check in to heaven is amazed, he turns to St. Peter and says "what's the story with the twin pilot over there?" "Oh, that's just God" says St. Peter, "he thinks he's a surgeon."
He had managed to confuse a commercial jet on approach to Burbank with a private plane that was transitioning south across the valley. For a period of about 90 seconds he was calling out instructions to them that weren't quite what they wanted ... and finally the commercial jet pilot inquired as to where he was being sent.
There was a brief exchange about intentions, followed by an "oops" and 30 seconds of silence. The next voice I heard on that frequency said:
"Attention all aircraft. Previous controller no longer a factor.
AIRCRAFT: CESSNA 172 PILOT: 30 YRS OLD, CFI, IR FATALITIES: None DAMAGE: Substantial DATE OF ACCIDENT: July 10 1982 WITNESS: Line attendant at *** airportPilot came to airport at 9 AM 10 Jul 1982. Line boy reports padlock on his hangar door was so rusted he had to break it off with a 10# ball-peen hammer.
Also had to inflate all 3 tires and scrap pigeon droppings off wind- screen. After several attempts to drain fuel strainers--pilot finally got what looked like fuel out of the wings sumps. Couldn't get the oil dipstick out of the engine but said it was okay last time he looked.
Engine started okay -- ran rough for about 1/2 minute. Then died. Then battery would not turn prop. Used battery cart and although starter was smoking real good, it finally started and the prop wash blew the smoke away.
Line boy offered to fuel airplane up but pilot said he was late for an appointment at a nearby airport. Said it wasn't far. Taxied about 1/2 way out to active runway and the engine stopped. Pushed it back to the fuel pumps and bought 3 gallons for the left wing tank. Started it again. This time, he was almost out to the runway when it quit again. Put a little rock under nose wheel; hand propped it; and was seen still trying to climb in the airplane as it went across the runway. Finally got in it; blew out the right tire trying to stop before the cement plant.
When he taxied back in to have the tire changed, he also had the line boy hit the right wing with 3 gallons of gas. Witness, who saw the take- off, said the aircraft lined up and took off to the north. Takeoff looked fairly normal -- nose came up about 300 ft down the runway. At midfield nose came down. Engine coughed twice -- then cut power and applied the brakes which made both doors fly open and a big fat brown book fell out on the runway and released probably a million little white pages with diagrams on them. Looked like sort of a snow storm.
After several real loud runups at the end, he turned her around and took off in the other direction going south into the wind. Only this time he horsed her off at the end and pulled her up real steep like one of them jet fighter planes -- to about 300 ft -- then the engine quit!
Did a sort of a slow turn back toward the airport -- kinda like that Art School guy -- and about 30 ft off the McDonald's cafe she started roaring again. He did sort of a high speed pass down the runway; put the flaps down to full and that sucker went up like he was going to do an Immelman!
The engine quit again and he turned right and I thought he was coming right through the front window of the F.B.O.; but he pulled her up -- went through the TV antenna and the little rooster with the NSE&W things -- over the building then bounced the main wheels off the roof of 3 different cars in the lot -- a Porsche, a Mercedes and Dr. Brown's new El Dorado.
When he bounced off the El Dorado the engine roared to life and he got her flying. Came around toward the runway and set her down -- once on the overrun, once on the runway and once in the grass beside the runway. He taxied into the ramp -- shut her down -- and ordered 3 more gallons of gas. Said it was for safety's sake.
Then he asked where the phone booth was as he had to call his student
and tell him he was going to be a little bit late.
Scene: Student and instructor are on a dual, night cross country. Instructor: Turns down the panel lights, "OK, you've just lost your lights, what are you going to do?" Student pulls out a flashlight. Student: "I get out my flashlight." Instructor grabs flashlight. Instructor: "The batteries are dead, now what are you going to do?" Student pulls out another flashlight. Student: "I get out my other flashlight." Instructor grabs next flashlight. Instructor: "The bulb is burned out on this one, now what?" Student pulls out yet a third flashlight. Student: "I use this flashlight." Instructor grabs this one too. Instructor: "ALL your flashlights are dead. Now what?" Student: "I use this glow stick." Instructor: "Sighhhhhh, just fly the plane without any lights, OK?"
(The article is accompanied by a photo of a bike in the background. In the foreground we have a man in leathers w/ helmet holding a large bird from one wingtip. The wingspan is roughly as wide as he is tall...)
"During a routine evaluation session at _Motorcyclist's_ desert test complex, staffer Holst was traveling at a necessarily elevated rate of speed whilst quantifying dynamic stability criteria of a test unit. Operating under Visual Riding Rules, Holst sighted an unauthorized buzzard on the road surface ahead, eating an unidentified dead thing (UDT). Apparently distracted by a particularly recalcitrant piece of viscera, said buzzard failed to initiate its take-off roll expeditiously and was still in the early phases of a full-power climb-out when Holst (traveling at approximately 200 ft./sec.) realized a collision was imminent. Holst's helmet contacted the buzzard just aft of the right wing root, resulting in instantaneous and catastrophic failure of the bird's flight-control system. Staffer Holst blacked out momentarily immediately after impact but maintained control of his vehicle. Later examination of his Kiwi helmet revealed substantial damage to its energy- absorbing liner, indicating the severity of the impact.
"Eyewitness accounts of the incident indicate the buzzard was not developing power after the initial collision and traveled in a ballistic arc of substantial height, eventually impacting the ground in a steep nose-down attitude. There was no fire after impact. The bird was not transponder equipped and had not filed a flight plan.
"CAUSE OF ACCIDENT: BUZZARD ERROR"
"Nice plane, that N12345" says the examiner.
"Sure is," says the candidate.
"I don't suppose you know that I own that plane?" asked the examiner
as he motioned out the window to where it was parked, just down the line.
After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an Australian commercial airline, that co-pilot heard the Captain announce "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologize for that rough landing provided today by our first officer".
Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it, the Captain did an even worse one. The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our Captain".
The Captain immediately responded angrily, "What did you say that for?".
The First Officer replied "Remember a couple of months back? I owed it to you!".
"But I never keyed the mike!", responded the Captain.
A. Rudolf was the only one who was IFR current.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
And the frog said, "Take this wart off my butt."
(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able. If
not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.
Lt. Green was out on his first solo flight in a T-38 and was feeling
a bit cocky. He decided to see what ballistic flight was like and pulled
the jet into a vertical climb. After a few seconds he got a call from the
tower as follows, "Ghost 53Z, tower. Say heading," to which the pilot responded
"Uh, up, sir."
He rolls down the window (this particular plane happens to have roll-down windows) and yells to a person inside the building, "Where are we?"
The person responds "In an airplane!"
The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a perfect landing at ABE.
As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the pilot, "I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't understand how the response you got was any use."
"Simple," responded the pilot. "I got an answer that was completely
accurate and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be the
PP&L building."
Regaining his composure, he said the airplane flew "well, and the test was nearly according to plan." The only deviations from expected flight test results were a few cases of high speed flutter and one brief but violent control hard-over, responsible for the highly theatrical snap roll seen on short final. Henri Flaque, company press agent, noted that the snap roll showed the inherent strength of the Razzle 200 airframe, holding together despite the 30% corkscrew twist of the empennage.
Aircraft systems performed "nearly flawlessly," Candid said. The sole problem was in a landing gear actuator which began an uncommanded gear retraction during what was supposed to be a simple high speed taxi run. When the gear left the runway of its own accord, Candid said he was glad for the opportunity to check out the 200's handling. The approach was delayed briefly while the landing gear extended and retracted itself a number of times until the hydraulic power unit burned out, fortunately with the gear in a generally "down" position.
The new Thruster KY-20 turbofan was praised for retaining most of its parts during the test flight. "That's one rugged engine," Flaque said. Candid noted the fuel consumption was "frightening", adding that checks were being made to assure that the fuel did flow through the engine and not out of a large hole in the tank. Smoke emissions were said to be well below Pittsburgh Valley standards.
Several questions to Candid had to be repeated at a louder volume, a problem Candid laughingly dismissed to a minor, temporary deafness caused by some "harmonic resonances and vibrations" experienced in the cockpit. A slight window seal leak which sucked the cigarettes out of his shirt pocket was the only other cockpit environment problem.
Candid, apparently thinking about his experiences, was still chuckling
under his breath, slowly and quietly, when asked whether he had considered
using the ejection seat, specially installed for the test program. he seemed
at that moment to remember the ejection handle still in his rigidly clenched
left hand, a few multicolored wires dangling From the end. Smiling sickly,
he held it up for all to see, his hand trembling from the muscle tension.
"Guess I'm lucky this baby didn't fire," he admitted. "We made the parachute,
too."
Gentlemen:
I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it any more. I guess that means that you're giving me my full-fledged pilot's license. You should watch that fellow though, after I told him all of this he seemed quite nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what happened.
The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed. but on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and visibility, and a slight freezing drizzle, deter me From another exciting experience at the controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my accomplishment, and I had invited my neighbor to go with me since I planned to fly to a town about two hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served absolutely wonderful charcoaled steaks and the greatest martinis.
On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little concerned about the weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and martinis that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.
When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were only a few snow flakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that it was solid IFR. I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator I found out that my regular airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs. You could imagine my disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line boy suggested that I take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much easier to fly. I think that he called it a Aztec C, also made by Piper. I didn't have a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry. Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.
We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get the airplane manual just to find out how to start an airplane. That's ridiculous. I never saw sow many dials and needles and knobs, handles and switches. As we both know, confidentially, they have simplified this in the J-4 Cub. I forgot to mention that I did file a flight plan, and those people were so nice. When I told them I was flying an Aztec they said it was all right to go direct via Victor-435, a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot credit. They told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has problems with red tape.
The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just the way the book style says it should be done. The tower operator told me to contact Department Control Radar but that seemed kind of silly since I knew where I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency because, all of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made such a racket that I just turned off the radio. You'd think that those professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few little flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but Highway 435 was right under me and, since I knew it was straight east to the town where we were going to have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast. After all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to watch the ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor undoubtedly wanted to see the scenery, especially the mountains all around us, but everybody has to be disappointed sometime and we pilots have to make the best of it, don't we?
It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to be forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't much to see. I will say that I handled the controls quite easily for a pilot with only six hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while but these phenomenon sometime occur I am told. I don't expect you to believe this, but my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty funny and asked my neighbor to look but he just kept staring ahead with sort of a glassy look in his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of height like all non-pilots are. By the way, something was wrong with the altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all the time.
Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we were going, since I had worked it out on the computer. I am a whiz at that computer, but something must have gone wrong with it since when I came down to look for the airport there wasn't anything there except mountains. These weather people sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions with a ceiling of about one hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business except yourself, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional bolt of lightning. I dedided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was and the way it seemed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep, having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want to wake him up. Anyway, just then an emergency occurred because the engine quit. It really didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other engine and we kept right on going. This business of having two engines is really a safety factor. If one quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have two engines. You might look into this.
As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark under the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs through the ice on the windshield. Several cars ran off the road when we passed and you can sure see what they mean about flying being a lot safer than driving.
To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late for cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force Base so I knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome. Somebody had told me that you could always talk to these military people on the international emergency frequency so I tried it but you wouldn't believe the language that I heard. These people ought to be straightened out by somebody and I would like to complain, as a taxpayer. Evidently there were expecting somebody to come in and land because they kept talking about some god damn stupid son-of-a-***** up in that fog. I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the ramp to be out of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen an Aztec C before. One fellow, some General with a pretty nasty temper, was real mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be swearing at that guy up there, but his face was so red that I think he must have a drinking problem.
Well, that's about all. I caught a bus back home because the weather really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can't make a statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the flu, or something.
Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new license airmail, special delivery.
Very, truly yours,
You can flesh it out with details.
regards,
Oh controller, who sits in tower Hallowed be thy sector. Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done On the ground as they are in the air. Give us this day our radar vectors, And forgive us our TCA incursions (*) As we forgive those who cut us off on final. And lead us not into adverse weather, But deliver us our clearances. Roger.
To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch
him sweat!
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
the fuel truck is."
On some air carrier operations, a video camera was installed in the
cockpit so that passengers could watch the pilot land the plane. On one
flight, the FE decided to have some fun with the passengers and purchased
part of a gorilla costume; more specifically, just the left arm. When the
plane came in to land, the camera was turned on, and the FE had his gorilla
arm on. Since from the position of the camera all you could see of the
FE was his left arm, whenever he went to reach up and flip switches, all
the video showed was a hairy arm! So the passengers were given the illusion
that a monkey (or whatever their imagination wished to conjure) was operating
some of the controls!!!
Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."
Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
Center asked him some simple question and his reply went something like
this. "Uh, this is Army helichop...uh, helicopter 15789...uh 15987. We'd
like to climb to... uh we'd like to descend to 5000 and then practice a
shoot approach....uh shoot a practice ILS blackcourse, uh, backcourse at
Grandview Navy...uh, Glenview Navy..." He said that after finally getting
the transmission completed, and feeling like a dang fool there was a short
period of silence over the radio before someone (who he said you could
tell was some Captain on a commercial airliner in the vicinity) came back
with a very short comment of "Hire the handicapped". He said that he never
felt so stupid in his life as he did about then.
12345: "No....I am a male hispanic."
Me: "Mooney 45Q, are you on this frequency?"
45Q: "Negative. But I should be any time now."
An obvious student in a Cessna 152: AH Jeffco Tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final for ah runway ah 11 . . .
Jeffco Tower: Your not on final, final is when you don't have to turn
anymore to get to the runway!
Me: Toronto Terminal, FQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington skyway at 3500, VFR to Buttonville via the island, would like to get as high as possible.
ATC: QOZ, cleared to flight level 230.
Me: {sputter, gasp!} Say again! Did you say flight level 230 for QOZ?!
ATC: Just kidding; I can give you up to 6500.
LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!}
Followed shortly afterward by}
ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting
on my frequency!"
This was at SBN (South Bend, Indiana); I was getting ready to depart IFR for Oshkosh in a Cessna Cardinal RG. Me: Oshkosh ground, Cessna 1546 Hotel at the ramp, taxi IFR Oshkosh. Ground: Cessna 46 Hotel is cleared to Oshkosh Airport via ... [insert complete IFR clearance here] [It seems to vary from one airport to another when and how you pick up an IFR clearance. At my home base (Morristown NJ) I'm used to saying "Taxi IFR" and getting a taxi clearance along with the advisory "clearance on request" (which means that the ground controller has asked ATC for my clearance). In any event, it is quite a surprise to receive an entire IFR clearance in one gulp when you've asked only for a taxi clearance. Fortunately, I was up to it: I had pencil and paper within easy reach and started copying frantically.] Me: 46 Hotel cleared to Oshkosh via ... [repeat entire clearance here] Ground: Readback is correct. Twin cessna 46 Hotel, taxi runway xxx... ^^^^ The ultimate compliment on radio technique! So I set out to taxi to the runway. That's when I discovered I had forgotten to untie the tail.
Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy, Taxi, Destination Stockton.
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport.
Pilot: This is 1234 Delta five miles north for landing with Mike.
The tower clears him and he lands. When they shut down, the passenger,
whose name is Mike, says, "Why'd you have to tell them that I was with
you?"
"I'm going to get that commuter out between those two jets," said Tom aloud. The FPL could see that there might just *barely* enough time to make it work if nobody screwed up. But like any good instructor, the FPL wanted to let Tom make his own mistakes since that's the only way for a guy to learn. Still, the FPL couldn't help but mumble in Tom's ear "if this works, Tom, it'll be a miracle!"
Tom keys his transmitter. He intends to say "Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for immediate." What actually comes out of his mouth (in one of the great Freudian slips of all time IMHO) is:
"Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for a miracle."
There's a pregnant pause on frequency, and the then commuter pilot says
"Tower, I think under the circumstances we better just hold short. I don't
feel quite that lucky."
When the military got dragged into the War-On-Drugs, it came under much
pressure from Washington to find a reliable method to determine which aircraft
are carrying drugs. As a result, all of the human radar operators have
been replaced by specially-trained, drug-sniffing dogs. Whenever the dog
sees a new blip on the radar screen, he sniffs at it, and if he detects
drugs, he barks, which alerts the supervisor (a human), who sounds the
alarm.
Control: You're unreadable, say again.
Us: I've turned of the engine, is that better?
Control: L..o..n..g pause.
Me: Cessna 123, downwind for 16.
H-1: Uh, Tower, could we get some progressive taxi instructions?
Tower: Roger, Hotel-1...you're going the WRONG WAY, Sir...(brief instructions)...and remain clear of 16.
Me: Cessna 123, turning left base for 16.
Tower: Hotel-1, proceed on course. Break. Cessna 123 fly through final, 270 to 16.
Me: (Pause. Confusion...fly through..? Vectors? No...Huh?) "Cessna 123, uh, sorry could you repeat that last?"
Tower: Cessna 123, fly through your final, right 270 back to 16. (Pregnant pause)
Tower: ...Kinda like an 'off-ramp'. (Another pause, but shorter this time)
Me: Roger that, 123 takin' the next exit, will call final.
Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies
up to where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND
it, and continues on to the taxiway.
7MA: Cessna 187MA is 5NE, landing, with the numbers.
HYA: Roger 7MA, make straight-in runway 22. Say type landing.
7MA: We're a Cessna 182.
HYA: Negative, say *type* landing.
7MA: Uh, 7MA is a Cessna 182 slant Uniform.
HYA: 7MA, I say again, say **type** landing.
7MA: (Silence) A good one I hope.
One day, we were sitting around listening to the scanner, when a Tomahawk from a local flight school announced inbound for circuits. The controllers asked for the PPR #, and the pilot said they didn't know about one. We expected the aircraft to turn away, but the controller cleared them right-base for 29. We now pick up the audio from this momentous day:
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go."
Tower: "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29".
{Several more circuits later...}
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go"
Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How many more circuits were you planning on making?"
Tomahawk: "We though we'd make one or two more."
Tower: "Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing fees, and you're up to $13,000 now."
{LONG delay...}
Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!"
Tower: "Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement."
TOWER - 95 Delta, do you read the tower?
95D - 675, sir
TOWER - 95 Delta, Say Again
95D - I think it is 675.
TOWER - 95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?
95D - I mean I think I read "Elevation 675 feet" on the tower as I taxied by for takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now.
TOWER - 95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a call
ON THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down.
Just turned off the 10 O'Clock channel 9 news here in LA, a single engine plane (identified as Aero Commander) went down short of Burbank airport, both people on board survived. The Pilot was lucid as he was being cut out of the wreckage & said he ran out of fuel over Eagle Rock & was trying to make Burbank airport.
Remarking about the lack of fire, the Fire Marshal in charge of the
rescue said, "They are just lucky there was no fuel on board".
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway.
(long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.
N23B: (Lawrence tower) UHHH LAWRENCE TOWER (Cessna 5123B) CESSNA 5123B (7 miles east) 7 MILES EAST (inbound for landing) INBOUND FOR LANDING (with) WITH (.....hotel) HOTEL!
Well, the guys in the tower didn't miss a beat!
LWM: [Supervisor yelling to the Tower position from background] (Cessna 23B)
[Tower] CESSNA 23B
(report a 2 mile right base) REPORT A TWO MILE RIGHT BASE
(runway 32) RUNWAY 32
N23B: [instructor, now on the mike] YEAH, HAW, HAW, HAW, VERY FUNNY,
REPORT A 2 MILE RIGHT BASE FOR 32, CESSNA 23B
LNS tower: "Cessna 1234X, report three mile final."
Cessna 1234X: "Unable, we're negative DME."
BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."
Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude."
BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"
Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."
FL 98: Good morning West Houston Tower. Flight check 98 with you and we are inbound on the RNAV 33 approach. Will be low approach only at MDA. IWS Twr: Roger, Flight check 98. Be advised we have multiple aircraft inbound for 15 and lots of NORDO traffic. [NORDO = ATC does not have radio contact with these aircraft] FL 98: Roger, will break off the approach at MAP. [MAP = Missed Approach Point on the instrument approach procedure being used] IWS Twr: Roger, break off the approach to the West. What are your intentions after the RNAV 33 approach? FL 98: We plan to flight check the RNAV 15 approach. IWS Twr: Roger, have fun out there. . . . . as FL98 breaks off the approach FL 98: Flightcheck 98 requesting frequency change. IWS Twr: Roger, Flight check 98. Contact departure on 123.8 FL 98: 23.8. See you later . . . several minutes later FL 98: West Houston Tower, Flight check 98 back with you on the RNAV 15 approach. Low approach only. IWS Twr: Roger Flight check 98. Be advised we have multiple NORDO aircraft in the pattern and 15 is the active at West Houston. FL 98: Roger. By the way, are you aware that the localizer to 15 is out of service?IWS Twr: Uhhh - we weren't aware that there was a localizer at this airport. Say again. FL 98: Isn't this Southwest? IWS Twr: Negative sir. Houston Southwest is 21 miles SE of here. FL 98: Oops, never mind. We're at the wrong airport. IWS Twr: No problem. By the way, the LOC at Southwest is to runway 9. Say intentions. FL 98: Think we want to start this day over again. We'll complete checking the RNAV 15 and be departing the area. IWS Twr: Roger. At the MAP, make a right turn westbound and contact departure on 123.8. No one in the TRACON is ever going to believe this story.
Southend ATC: National 676 - Cleared for takeoff; report passing 2000ft. NAA676: Cleared for takeoff; call you passing 2000. NAA676: Southend 676 is passing 2000, climbing Southend ATC: 676 call London 128.6 NAA676: To London 128.6 - see you on the way home. (in the process of changing freq. 676 loses the door - yes the DOOR on a BE90) NAA676: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday London Control this is National 676, 4 miles west of Southend, 2500 ft - I've lost the door and am returning climbing to 4000 ft and returning to Southend. London ATC: NAA 676, roger. Are you in control of the Aircraft ? NAA676: No more than usual !!!!
The guy to whom I delivered the plane flew me over to Kansas City Int'l in a Malibu to hop a Delta flight back to Atlanta. Real nice day, about dusk, and we were being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land......
KC Appch: "Malibu 229, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Us: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Appch: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105: (long pause, and in a thick southern drawl) "Wwweelllll,
I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle,
though."
Controller: USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.6.
Controller: USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6!
Controller: USA353 you're just like my wife -- you never listen!
Pilot: Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right
name you'd get a better response!
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."
(Scene 1: It's night over Las Vegas, information H (Hotel) is current and Mooney 33W is unfamiliar and talking to approach control)
Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.
Approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.
A: Two, and a fifth
Hmm. Sounds like an offshoot of Exxon tanker jokes to me.
What side of the plane should he sit on?
American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.
After several minutes the bomber pilot returns to the air and says,
"There! How was that?" Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots say,
"What are you talking about?" Reply, "Well, I went for a little stroll,
got a cup of coffee and went downstairs for a chat with the navigator."
Their first one will be the 7&7......
PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, traffic is a Cherokee just entering downwind from the left 45."
Mooney 23D: "Uhhh, tower, 23D...only traffic I see is a Cessna."
Pause...
PAO Twr: "Mooney 23D, follow your traffic directly ahead, an, um, inverted
Cherokee just abeam the numbers." :)
PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.
Me: Position and hold, 85 Uniform.
Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock.
PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway.
Me: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.
A little later, the Citabria was downwind when I heard:
PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying
to eat the seagull on the runway.
Lady Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?"
Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."
Persons unknown: "Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and
pressures rising, keep the aircraft straight using ....."
AC: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft,
and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".
"...altimeter 29.93. VFR departures advise ground control of destination and altitude and you play golf."
Coincedentally, I called up right behind a KC-10 that was getting ready to go. The exchange was;
"Wilmington ground, Cessna 54360 at ISO (the FBO ramp) with about a 14 handicap, request tee time for the pattern."
[delay.....squelch breaks with laughter.......]
"Cessna 360 taxi to runway 24 behind the 10 iron, number 2 for takeoff, he's a scratch golfer."
Seems that the controller (a trainee) wasn't privy to the ATIS tagline,
and his supervisor got a BIG kick out of all this.
CRW - "By the way, N12345, I'd like to personally commend and thank
you for that outstanding effort in restoring functionality to your transponder..."
(background guffaws from several controller co-workers)
[said with an exaggerated Southern drawl]
Birdseed Approach, Barnburner 123 with you at seven thousand, with Information
-- excuse the expression -- Yankee.
Balto: N12345, Type of aircraft?
N12345: Cessna 172
Balto: N12345, sqwalk 54xx, cleared to enter the TCA.
N12345: I don't really want to go through the TCA, I'm going north. I just want flight following.
Balto: Ok, N12345, resume own navigation.
N12345: What?
Balto: N12345, resume own navigation.
N12345: I don't understand.
Balto: (very slowly) R e s u m e o w n n a v i g a t i o n.
N12345: What does that mean?
Balto: It means you do the navigating.
N12345: Oh. Ok.
Balto: N12345, are you aware you're approaching R-4001?
N12345: Uh, no. That's why I want flight following.
Balto: Oh. Which way do you want to go around it?
N12345: Which way can I go?
Balto: West or east.
N12345: I'll go west.
Balto: N12345, I suggest you find I-95 and stay west of it. Ok?
N12345: Uh, ok...west of I-95. Thanks.
Place a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and, if so, which one.
The duck is used for the instrument approach and landing. Because any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow her to the ground.
There are some limitations to the Cat-and-Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list, a degree of success will be achieved.
Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all, at any
time. It may be necessary to get a large fierce dog in the cockpit to keep
the cat at attention. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend
all their time washing. Trying to follow a cat licking itself usually results
in a tight snap roll, followed by an inverted (or flat) spin. You can see
this is very unsanitary. Old cats are best. Young cats have nine lives,
but an old used-up cat with only one life left has just as much to lose
an you do and will therefore be more dependable. Beware of cowardly ducks.
If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright - or straight
and level- she will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no better
on instruments than you are. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted
ducks sometimes will go flogging off into the nearest hill. Very short-sighted
ducks will not realize they have been thrown out and will descend to the
ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is quite difficult to follow
in an airplane. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break
out and find yourself on final approach for some farm pound in Iowa. Also,
the farmers there suffer from temporary insanity when chasing crows off
their corn fields and will shoot anything that flies. Choose your duck
carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese because many water birds
look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers , geese seldom
want to go in the same direction you do. If your duck heads off for the
Okefenokee Swamp, you may be sure you have been given the goose.
The incident in question took place while the aircraft, a British Airways plane, was at cruise between New York and Fairbanks. The co-pilot was apparently entering new navigational data into the craft's INS (Inertial Navigation System) when he mis-typed a code. The INS came back with 'Invalid PIN number selected' and returned the craft's weight and balance data to the astonished crew. 'We tried several more times," exclaimed Reginald Dwight, the Captain, 'and every time it was the same thing. On the third try it said "Access violation, contact your credit institution if you believe there is an error." At that point all the plane's controls froze and it refused to respond to our commands. We didn't know what to do, so we got on the radio."
British Airway's mechanics were equally dumbfounded and decided to call French mechanics. France's Aerospatiale is the prime contractor for the aircraft. 'The French were totally rude to us,' stated an unnamed BA mechanic. 'They stated the problem was our fault and that "the pasty little Englishman probably had too many meat pies and Guiness".' 'It wasn't until we told them that Jerry Lewis was aboard the flight that they became concerned.'
French mechanics traced the problem to the ATM-6000 INS computer, which was a modified version of a computer used in the United States for bank transactions. 'Essentially, the INS decided that the co-pilot was trying to rip-off someone and locked the controls.' French authorities then assured the English crew that the system would automatically remove the restrictions at the start of the next banking day. 'We told them that we would be in the sea by then!' exclaimed the frustrated copilot, Nigel Whitworth.
A French team, headed by Bertrand Swatboutie, determined that manual control of the plane could be re-established if a crewmember went back to the tailcone and operated the elevators manually. The rudder is linked by backup cables to the cockpit and with the crewmember operating the elevator they determined they would have enough control. 'Zere is nothing wrong with ze plane,' exclaimed Swatboutie, 'that a little pinch in the rear will not cure. Just like a woman. If these English souffres knew anything about women, they would never have had to call us in the first place.'
The plane was able to safely land at Denver's Stapleton airport, where
the craft was repaired and all crewmember's credit histories reviewed.
The product: Stealth Condoms.
The slogan? They'll never see you coming.
Stealth condoms come in packages shaped like the bomber. They are $5 for a package of three; one red, one white, one blue. Also there's the matter of [the owner's] voice mail message, "Howdy, this is John. Me and the rest of the Stealth test pilots are out right now . . ."
[The owner] says he will fight to keep his company and name. He feels
he's got the better product: "We offer a heck of a lot more protection
than the Stealth bomber, at a lot less cost."
The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an argument. The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to their problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you guys up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if one of you makes one sound, you pay ten dollars."
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls and dives as he could. Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the field.
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is
ten dollars!"
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over beacon".
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over that beacon!"
(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
Me: xxxxx ground, Tiger 45210, South ramp, taxi, VFR to Charlotte 5500'.
Gnd: Tiger 210 taxi.. wind... upon departure... standby for squawk.
[we taxi about 20 feet]
Gnd: 210, say altitude.
Me: 210 is at 1048', climbing to 5500'
Gnd: 210! [starting to sound annoyed] ...uh... [sounding less annoyed]
...roger.
Twr: 591, traffic off your left is another Tomahawk.
591 (me): 591 has the traffic in sight.
Twr: 436, traffic off your right is another Tomahawk.
436: 436 has the traffic.
[brief pause while the controller figures out that we're the same distance From the airport, going the same speed, on nearly parallel courses.]
Twr: You guys just want to fight it out amongst yourselves?
591: You go ahead, Sam.
436: Nah, I got Rodney under the hood; we'll make a wide pattern.
591: Ok. Tower, 591 will be number 1.
A/C: I'm fucking bored!
F/S: Last A/C transmitting please identify yourself
A/C: I said I was fucking bored, not fucking stupid!
SNA: (broadcasts to world) "Sir, I'm all fucked up."
Whiting TWR: "Aircraft using obscenity, identify yourself."
(short pause)
IP: "My student said he was fucked up; he didn't say he was stupid."
ATC: "All aircraft holding, expect 20 minutes additional delay."
Unknown A/C: "Ahhh . . . bullshit!"
ATC: "Aircraft making last transmission, identify yourself."
(silence)
ATC: "Aircraft making last transmission, identify yourself immediately!"
(silence)
ATC: "Aircraft using 'bullshit' in last transmission, identify yourself. American 411, was that you?"
American 411: "Approach, American 411: negative on the 'bullshit,' sir."
NW 202: "Approach, NW 202: negative on the 'bullshit.'"
Delta 55: "Approach, Delta 55: negative on the 'bullshit.'"
NW 33: "Approach, NW 33: we have a negative on that 'bullshit.'"
. . . and so on, right through the entire pattern.
For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was asked to hold while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before
our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left
of the last airplane that landed there.
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed
our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told
me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well,
that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to worry about. Our wings are
designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see,
we're nowhere near that yet.
Pilot: "CANCEL IFR! CANCEL IFR!"
The newsletter of EAA Chapter 268 in Marietta, GA.
The aircraft knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn't. By subtracting where it is from where it isn't, or where it isn't from where it is (whichever is the greater), it obtains a difference, or deviation.
The Inertial Guidance System uses deviations to generate error signal commands which instruct the aircraft to move from a position where it is to a position where it isn't, arriving at a position where it wasn't, or now is. Consequently, the position where it is, is now the position where it wasn't; thus, it follows logically that the position where it was is the position where it isn't.
In the event that the position where the aircraft now is, is not the position where it wasn't, the Inertial Guidance System has acquired a variation. Variations are caused by external factors, the discussions of which are beyond the scope of this report.
A variation is the difference between where the aircraft is and where the aircraft wasn't. If the variation is considered to be a factor of significant magnitude, a correction may be applied by the use of the autopilot system. However, use of this correction requires that the aircraft now knows where it was because the variation has modified some of the information which the aircraft has, so it is sure where it isn't.
Nevertheless, the aircraft is sure where it isn't (within reason) and it knows where it was. It now subtracts where it should be from where it isn't, where it ought to be from where it wasn't (or vice versa) and intergrates the difference with the product of where it shouldn't be and where it was; thus obtaining the difference between its deviation and its variation, which is variable constant called "error".
The preceding article is from the Canadian "Airspace Newsletter", issue 1/94 printed by the Transport Canada. I hope this article will be able to help you as much as it helped me to understand IGS!!!
Airspace Newsletter is a collection of letters from pilots and distribution
of the articles from the newsletter is encouraged, as long as references
made to the newsletter.
...a politician with a good idea.
There are two stories here, so I'll keep them short. While I was watching, a Bonanza taxied to the runup area, completed his pre-takeoff, and received takeoff clearance. He made it about fifty feet down the runway when his engine died and he taxied slowly to a stop. Standing in the middle of the active, he calls for a fuel truck on unicom before he talks to the tower. The poor controller is very busy trying to change the active with about a dozen aircraft in the pattern.
On another occasion, a light plane makes a perfect landing in a stiff
crosswind, centers the controls and loses it again. After a minute of bouncing
around and miraculously staying upright, the plane ends up sitting within
a very few feet of the base of the tower. The controller's response: "Cessna
205, what are your intentions?"
Take the (seat) controls of a 747,767,707,737,727,A320. Hey, they're much the same when you are sitting down in cattle class, worrying whether your pilot has a drinking problem, or if the Iranian student sitting next to you is going to start screaming incomprehensible political slogans at any moment.
You have control!
Click on the attendant call button... and.... NOTHING HAPPENS!!!!!
WOW!! Realism like this would normally be found only in fully configured ATP sims.
Software comes complete with seating allocation cards, invalid visas, out of date departure tax stamps, and sick bags.
Fly realtime across the US, experience real turbulence, actually throw up! And at all times the flight characteristics of the set back in front of you are faithfully reproduced (even down to that little brat kicking the seat, whose parents are tanked on scotch & dries and don't give a rats about what their swinish issue are up to).
Includes special mystery 'oxygen mask drops'! Were you watching the safety briefing???? Remember, you WILL be scored on your survival in an emergency.
Null modem hookups allow SIMULTANEOUS flights, with realtime communication with your fellow passengers.
Add ons:
Well, how about it? I think it'd sell.......