• Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.
• If God meant man to fly, He'd have given him more money.
• If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. (Unless you keep pulling the stick back -then they get bigger again)
• Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
• It's better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here.
• The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
• Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.
• It's best to keep the pointed end going forward as much as possible.
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
• Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.... Landing is the first!
• Every one already knows the definition of a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a 'great landing.' It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
• The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.
• Always remember you fly an airplane with your head, not your hands. Never let an airplane take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
• You know you've landed with the wheels up when it takes full power to taxi.
• Those who hoot with the owls by night, should not fly with the eagles by day.
• A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down - all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can't really fly - they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
• Young man, was that a landing or were we shot down?
• Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
• Trust your captain .... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.
• Any pilot who relies on a terminal forecast can be sold the Brooklyn Bridge. If he relies on winds-aloft reports he can be sold Niagara Falls.
• Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment.
• Aviation is not so much a profession as it is a disease.
• There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
• The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as copilot is a copilot who once was a captain.
• Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.
• Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.
• A thunderstorm is never as bad on the inside as it appears on the outside. It's worse.
• Son, I was flying airplanes for a living when you were still in liquid form.
• It's easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.
• A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.
• A fool and his money are soon flying more airplane than he can handle.
• Remember, you're always a student in an airplane.
• Keep looking around; there's always something you've missed.
• Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.
• You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
• There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!
• Things which do you no good in aviation: Altitude above you. Runway behind you. Fuel in the truck. Half a second ago. Approach plates in the car. The airspeed you don't have.
• Flying is the perfect vocation for a man who wants to feel like a boy, but not for one who still is.
• Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.
• Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.
• Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

The story goes that Air Force One was over the UK a few years ago and called up a USAF base
"Requesting Radar".

"What is you position?" asked ATC

"You got radar you find us" Air Force One replied.

After a few minutes ATC announced "Air Force One we're changing frequency"

"What frequency are you changing to?" asked Air Force One

"You've got 720 channels - you find us!" ATC replied.

On a flight from the West Coast to the East Coast, the lead Flight Attendant was overly excited to get in early as her boyfriend, a pilot, was going to have a short stopover at the destination airport. She made a point of telling her fellow crew members about this. Now being April 1st, the Captain decided to have a little fun.

About an hour out, he made a little announcement over the P.A. that went something like this: "Ladies and Gentlemen this is the Captain speaking. I have a little bit of b ad news. There are some thunderstorms at our destination and they have currently closed the airport. They expect it to reopen in about thirty minutes to an hour. As one might expect, this is causing quite a backup and is resulting in long delays. As we have come all the way from the West Coast, we don't have enough fuel to circle until the airport re-opens. Therefore, we are going to be diverting to Cleveland and we should be landing in about thirty minutes. We'll take some fuel there and get you ba ck on your way to our original destination. I'm terribly sorry for the delay however, we'll get you there just as soon as possible."

It was at this moment that you could hear someone running up to the cockpit. The cockpit door flew open and sure enough it was the lead Flight Attendant mumbling in total disbelief that this can't be happening. As she went on in total incoherency, the Captain made another P.A. similar to this: "Ladies and Gentlemen APRIL FOOLS..."

One day a sweet young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behaviour. She sat down to think and came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey would be the airport, as there was a wide range of different people going through.

After about three hours of questioning passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate .Having heard of the reputation of pilots she stops him "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I am doing a survey on human sexuality... I was wondering if you could answer a few questions...."

The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him. Afterthree or four questions, she asks him "and when was the last time you had sex?". Straight away the Captain replies "1959". The girl was shocked... she looks at the captain and asks "1959 isn't that a long time ago?".

"Oh" the pilot replies "I guess so .. but it's only 2015 now..."

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind.

The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers don't react, thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly down the runway and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.

Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"

Inst: "What do you think you should do?"

(think-think-think)

Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."

Inst: "That's a good idea."

(Taxis toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.

Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"

Inst: "What do you think you should do?"

(think-think-think)

Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."

Inst: "That's a good idea."

Std: "Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway."

(long pause)

Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position.  Deer on runawy NN cleared for immediate departure.

(Two seconds, and then--I presume by coincidence--the deer bolts from the runway, and runs back into the woods.)

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence, departing deer.

- It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off...

Some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots, and the replies from the
maintenance crews.

Problem:  Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
Solution: #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."

Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious

Crew members of a Russian cargo plane steal a cow to supplement their wages. They put the cow in their freighter and fly off home over the sea of Japan.  The cow objects to lack of bovine class on Vodkaprop Airways and lashes out. The quick-thinking crew, sensing danger to the aircraft, open the rear door and kick the cow out.  Down at sea-level, Japanese authorities imprison rescued crew of a sunken fishing trawler, unable to believe story that boat has been bombed out of the water by a flying cow...

Deadheading in uniform......(deadheading is when a crewmember travels as a passenger, hence its a no-brainer or deadhead)... is not something I like to do...there is always some "joker" who asks loudly as I'm sitting down in   the back of the airplane, "Aren't you suppose to be up front?".

Well, one time I responded loud enough for everyone to hear (regrettably), "This is one of the newest airplanes in the world...it is totally computerized...and I'm onboard just in case something goes wrong...to reset the computer"  (by the way, being a smart arse is not a good idea, anytime!) Later in the flight, the captain who was an old friend of mine sent a flight attendant back to ask me to come to the cockpit.....seems he was thinking of moving to Atlanta and wanted to pick my brain about where to look for a home.

During this brief exchange the #2 generator faulted and the cabin lights blinked as the other generator picked up the load. I'd forgotten about the "computerized airplane business" completely. When I got back to my seat, the   man's wife said to him, "See, I told you he was serious!"

Lots of commercial aircraft are stacked up waiting for approach to O'Hare Int'l, ATC has inflicted numerous delays, and some planes are already 1-2 hours late. The WX is good, it's just that there is a traffic bottleneck somewhere. Pilots, passengers, crew are all getting quite frustrated and angry.

ATC: "All aircraft holding, expect 20 minutes additional delay."

Unknown A/C: "Ahhh . . . bullshit!"

ATC: "Aircraft making last transmission, identify yourself."

(silence)

ATC: "Aircraft making last transmission, identify yourself immediately!"

(silence)

ATC: "Aircraft using 'bullshit' in last transmission, identify yourself. American 411, was that you?"

American 411: "Approach, American 411: negative on the 'bullshit,' sir."

NW 202: "Approach, NW 202: negative on the 'bullshit.'"

Delta 55: "Approach, Delta 55: negative on the 'bullshit.'"

NW 33: "Approach, NW 33: we have a negative on that 'bullshit.'"

. . . and so on, right through the entire pattern.

1. Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.
2. Join our frequent near-miss program.
3. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.
4. Noisy engines? We'll turn 'em off!
5. Complimentary champagne in free-fall.
6. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.
7. The kids will love our inflatable slides.
8. You think it's so easy, get your own damn plane!
9. Delta: Our pilots are terminally ill and have nothing to lose.
10. Delta: We might be landing on your street!
11. Delta: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.
12. Bring a bathing suit.
13. So that's what these buttons do!
14. Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.
15. Delta: We never make the same mistake three times

Week 1
Monday: Rain
Tuesday: Rain
Wednesday: No rain; no visibility either
Thursday: Take instructor to lunch. Discover I don't know enough to take instructor to lunch.
Friday: Fly! Do first stall and second stall during same manoeuvre. Cover instructor with lunch.

Week 2
Monday: Learned not to scrape frost off Plexiglas with ice-scraper. Used big scratch as marker to set pitch.
Tuesday: Instructor wants me to stop calling throttle "THAT BIG KNOB THING." Also hates when I call instruments "GADGETS"
Wednesday: Radios won't pick up radio stations, so I turned them off.   Instructor seems to think I missed something.
Thursday: Learned 10 degree bank is not a steep turn. Did stall again today. Lost 2000 feet. Instructor said that was some kind of record  -- my first compliment.
Friday: Did steep turn. Instructor said I was not ready for inverted flight  yet.

Week 3
Monday: Instructor called in sick. New instructor told me to stop calling  her "BABE". Did steep turns. She said I had to have permission for inverted flight.
Tuesday: Instructor back. He told me to stop calling him "BABE", too. He got mad when I pulled power back on takeoff because the engine was to loud.
Wednesday: Instructor said after the first 20 hours, most students have established a learning curve. He said there is a slight bend in mine. Aha--progress!
Thursday: Did stalls. Clean recovery. Instructor said I did good job. Also did turns around a point. Instructor warned me never to pick ex-fiancee’s house as point again.
Friday: Did pattern work. Instructor said that if downwind, base and final formed a triangle, I would be perfect. More praise!

Week 4
Monday: First landing at a controlled field. Did fine until I told the captain in the 747 ahead of us on the taxiway to move his bird. Instructor says we'll have ground school all this week on radio procedures.
Tuesday: Asked instructor if everyone in his family had turned grey at such an early age. He smiled. We did takeoff stalls. He says I did just   fine but to wait until we reached altitude next time. Three Niner Juliet will be out of the shop in three days when the new strut and tire arrive. Instructor says his back bothers him only a little.
Wednesday: Flew through clouds. I thought those radio towers were a lot lower. I'm sure my instructor is going grey.
Thursday: Left flaps down for entire flight. Instructor asked way. I told him I wanted the extra lift as a safety margin. More ground school.
Friday: Asked instructor when I could solo. I have never seen anyone actually laugh until they cried before.

The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: There's a fire raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about the expense.

So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot: Let's go, take off. As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then tells him, "See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can."

Incredulous, the pilot says, "You want me to fly over that fire?"

"Sure," the reporter says, "I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here--to take dramatic shots of the fire!"

The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says, "You're not the flight instructor?"

A friend of a friend, who is an airline copilot, told the following stories about a captain with whom he often flew. This guy was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making passengers feel at ease.

For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing, scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was asked to hold while the trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the last airplane that landed there."

Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air and one of the flight attendants relayed that message to the captain. His announcement:

"Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps. Well, that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to worry about. Our wings are designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can see, we're nowhere near that yet."

• Your airplane was getting old when you were born.
• You have not done a daylight landing in the past six months.
• ATC advises you of smoother air at a different altitude, and you don't care.
• When you taxi up to an FBO they roll out the red carpet, but quickly take it back when they recognise you.
• You call the hotel van to pick you up and they don't understand where you are on the airport.
• Centre asks you to "keep the chickens down" so they can hear you talk.
• Your airplane has more than 75,000 cycles.
• Your company call sign is "Oil Can".
• The lady at the FBO locks up the popcorn machine because you plan on "making a meal of it".
• Your airplane has more than eight faded logos on it.
• You wear the same shirt for a week, and no one complains.
• Centre mispronounces your call sign more than three times in one flight.
• Your D O mysteriously changes your max. takeoff weight during the holiday season.
• Every FBO makes you park out of sight of their building.
• You have ever walked barefoot through the FBO because you just woke up.
• You mark every ramp with engine oil.
• Everything you own is in you flight bag and suitcase.

Have you ever noticed that no matter how short or long a flight is there is always a sudden urgency to be the first one off the plane? Well, a Boeing 727 Captain was confronted with a situation in which a passenger, in his rush to be the first off  the plane, actually left his seat during taxi into the gate, (a violation of FAR's), and proceeded to the entry door and stood there.

After repeatedly refusing to return to his seat at the request of the Flight Attendant, the Flight Attendant informed the pilots of the problem. The Captain advised the Flight Attendant that upon arrival at the gate, the deplaning would be accomplished through the rear stairway. He told her not to mention this as he would make a P.A. announcement at the gate. He then notified the ground personnel to make arrangements for deplaning the passengers out of the rear stairway and escorting them into the terminal.

At arrival at the gate, the Captain made a P.A. to the effect that the jet way is broken and the passengers will need to deplane through the aircraft's rear stairway. Of course, by now, the aisle was completely filled with passengers waiting to deplane.

The gentleman who was in such a hurry to get off ended up being the last off the plane as he was stuck at the front door...

Have you ever been on a plane and seen pilots sitting in the passenger cabin? Well, this is not that uncommon. Most airlines at one time or another need pilots at an airport other than the one they're based at to cover a flight. This is known in the industry as "deadheading." In some cases, due to weather, mechanical problems or crew flight time legalities, crews are called out at the last moment to catch a "deadheading" flight.

This leads us into our story.

During taxi out for takeoff on a Boeing 727 the plane suddenly stopped. While still on the taxiway, the flight attendant in the back began to lower the aft stairway. Behind the plane was a van with flashing lights. The van came to a screeching halt and out jumped 3 pilots. They grabbed their bags and started to run for the plane.

As they ran up the stairs, the pilot in front continued running up the aisle shouting "I can't believe the stewardess got the plane this far. I didn't even know she knew how to start the engines!"

You can't believe the startled look on the passengers' faces. Led to believe that these were their pilots, the passengers were left sitting there in total shock. To think that your flight is preparing for takeoff and there aren't any pilots on board! Of course, unbeknown to them, these pilots were just deadheading and the regular flight crew was actually driving the plane.....

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short tempered lot, they not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (Speedbird)

Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.

The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!"

Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.

Ground (with typical German patience): "Speedbird, have you never been to Frankfurt before?!"

Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop."

Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied pilots. The German "airfield", constructed with meticulous care, was made almost entirely of wood.

There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks, and aircraft.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once, and dropped a large wooden bomb.

This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:

Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

Pilot: "Rogeo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2 miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?"

Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."

This is a rather classic conversation overheard on the radio at an airport just prior to a very short landing in a high performance aircraft. The location and the pilot involved shall remain unnamed to protect the guilty! :-)

Tower: "xxxx, clear to land"

XXXX: "roger"

Tower: "xxxx, I can not see any landing gear. Is your gear down?"

XXXX: "Say again, I can't hear you because there a some darn horn blaring in my ear!"

Tower: "Your landing gear is NOT DOWN"

XXXX: "Say what, I can't understand you"

Tower: "Your landing gear is ..... aw shit."

Taking out an F-16 Fighting Falcon Air Force Fighter Jet sounds pretty hard, right?. I think the Iraqi Army and Air Force would agree. . However, down in Florida a little pig found out that isn't always the case.

As the jet was accelerating for takeoff, it struck the pig with the landing gear causing it to lose control. The pilot being unable to steer the plane and traveling at great speed, elected to EJECT rather than end up as a burning ball of flames. You got it! A small little pig takes out a $16 million top of the line fighter jet. That's what happens to our tax paying dollars.

In a similar type incident, I had a friend who upon landing in the early morning hours up in Oklahoma City struck a deer. The deer ran out in front of him and impacted on the right propeller. He was able to control the plane and taxi to the ramp but the propeller was destroyed along with the deer.

These are only two of the numerous reports of aircraft striking wild life. It usually involves birds and planes, although, at the smaller airports around the country you're likely to run into anything...

Most people wish to fly on the old gauges at one time or another but are prevented by the high cost of the instruments necessary for this form of flight. The following is a more or less known and extremely simple method which may be used by all.

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor, because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball instrument. Merely watch to see which way he leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one. This will enable you to your aircraft level in route with complete accuracy and confidence.

A duck is used for final instrument approach and landing, because of the fact that any sensible old duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the cockpit window and follow her to the ground.

There are some limitations on the cat and duck method, but by rigidly adhering to the following check list a degree of success will be achieved which will not only startle you, but will astonish your passengers as well, and may have an occasional tower operator with an open mouth.

· Get a wide-awake cat, most cats do not want to stand up all the time, so it may be necessary to carry a fierce dog along to keep the cat at attention.

· Make sure your cat is clean, dirty cats will spend all the time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a slow roll followed by an inverted spin. You will see that this is most unprofessional.

· Old cats are the best, young cats have nine lives, but an old used up cat with only one life left has just as much to loose and will be more dependable.

· Avoid stray cats. Try to get one with good character because you may want to spend time with her.

· Beware of cowardly ducks, if the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, she will refuse to leave the aeroplane without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.

· Get a duck with good eyes. Near sighted ducks sometimes fail to recognise that they are on the old gauges and will go flogging into the nearest hill. Very near sighted ducks will not realise that they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This is a most difficult manoeuvre to follow in an airplane.

· Choose your duck carefully, it is easy to confuse ducks with geese. Many large birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction that you do. If your duck seems to be taking a heading to Ireland or Sweden, you may be safe in assuming that someone has given you a goose.

Apparently the loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for awhile. He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was transmitting on Uniform instead of over the ICS.

LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!"

Followed shortly afterward by:

ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're transmitting on my frequency!"

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the  delay to make the flight.

2. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest  gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimum’s.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
7. All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimum’s.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
15. We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
20. Oh sure, no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
21. I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
22. No need to look that up, I've got it all memorised.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong?
29. I thought YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down.

I was at a conference in PA lately and at lunch we were discussing travel and specifically planes. One guy said he got on a plane, it pulled away from the ramp, started down the runway and the pilot shut down the engines. They taxied back to the ramp, the front door opened and after an hour of waiting they took off again. He asked the flight attendant what happened. She replied that the pilot heard a noise in the engine so they went back and got a new pilot.

Many years ago, in my time as a Customs Officer at Melbourne Airport (yes downunder in Australia, not Florida) a JAT (Yugoslavian Airlines) pilot was inspecting his plane with the ground engineer before take-off. Normally, this means just making sure that the wings and engines were in the right places in the right numbers. This day, however, the ground engineer noticed that there was a fuel leak from a wing tank. He brought this to the notice of the pilot who nonchalantly dismissed the problem with the comment "No worries. We get to 30,000 feet, she freeze up, no problem."

Today two mechanics taxied a 727 into one of the satellite ramps at Terminal A in Newark. The accident sheared the top off the fuselage from just above the radome and going all the way back to the front door.

I was wondering, is this kind of damage repairable or would this be a total loss?

(reply)

Yes, it is possible to retrain the mechanics, but generally, it's easier to just take them out back, shoot them, and call it a total loss..

Supposedly Heard On The Air (said with a slow, Eton type accent)...

BOAC: Heathrow Centre, British Airways Speedbird Flight 723

HC: British Airways Speedbird Flight 723, Heathrow Centre, go ahead

BOAC: Heathrow Centre, British Airways Speedbird Flight 723 has a message for you

HC: British Airways Speedbird Flight 723, Heathrow Centre is ready to copy message

BOAC: Heathrow Centre, British Airways Speedbird Flight 723, message is as follows: Mayday, Mayday, Mayday ....

LONDON -- A British couple who made love in a light aircraft forgot to turn off their transmitter and broadcast their moments of passion to air traffic controllers and radio enthusiasts on Wednesday.

The couple, flying in a private Cessna 150 plane near the Scottish city of Edinburgh, began by debating whether they should have sex 5,000 feet above ground and join the ``Mile High Club.''

Their conversation grew more and more passionate and then ceased.

``We've been trying to raise you for the past 50 minutes,'' an angry controller was quoted by the domestic Press Association as telling the couple when they came in to land.

``We've been listening to your conversation. Very interesting. Please come and see me when you land.''

Fifteen aircraft, including shuttles, jets and cargo planes, had to use an emergency channel while the two cavorted.

The pilot reported to authorities at Edinburgh Airport, where he was reprimanded for blocking radio communication, the Press Association reported.

``Apart from one aspect of his airmanship -- his failure to check in on a regular basis -- there were no breaches of aviation rules,'' it quoted the airport's air traffic control manager Paul Louden as saying.

On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told his passengers were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to take action:

"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been  informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little' plane. Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back  and take it easy.

It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing of   the airplane....it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humour..

Nervous? Hah! NERVOUS?! Forget it! I am not the least tiny little BIT nervous about engaging in air travel these days!!

Why even as I write these words, I am boldly sitting in a jet-powered commercial airplane, and I am cool as a cucumber. This is because we are on the ground at the famous Atlanta airport, which means we will all be dead from starvation long before we take off, because there are 1,450 aircraft ahead of us, including a number of biplanes still awaiting clearance to participate in World War I.

Sitting next to me are two pilots whose flight was cancelled. I am not making this up. They work for Eastern Airlines, one of a growing group of airlines that, as far as I can tell, do not actually own any airplanes.

What they own is a large, modern and superbly maintained fleet of excuses for why your flight has been cancelled. It's a real thrill to watch the gate crews for these airlines swing into action as departure time approaches:

"Ladies and gentlemen," the gate agent proudly announces, "the excuse for cancelling Flight 219 is now arriving on our computer screen." Right on time!

The aspiring passengers cluster around and watch with nervous excitement as the gate agent frowns at the computer, then says: "Flight 219 has been cancelled because of . . .

(Dramatic pause)

" . . . MAYONNAISE IN THE GYROSCOPE!"

Ha ha! A new one! What will they think of next? The aspiring passengers, shaking their heads in wonderment at how far commercial aviation has come in just their own lifetimes, wander off to look for a working vending machine.

Not that I am complaining about being stuck on the ground. No, because the aviation industry is operating under a new policy called "deregulation," under which anybody who can produce two forms of identification is allowed to operate an airline, and alarming things can happen to the occasional flight that actually becomes airborne, as evidenced by recent news reports of planes whose engines were turned off when they were not in direct personal contact with the ground; planes taking off without important mechanical parts such as wings; planes bound for Lexington, Ky., but landing, due to navigational error, on the Lost Continent of Atlantis; etc.

But what really bothers me is the pilots. When I was a boy, all the pilots were much older than I am, but in recent years there has been a disturbing trend -- you may have noticed this -- toward pilots MY OWN AGE. I happen to be my own age, and I would never place a person such as myself in a position of responsibility. I live in constant fear that one day I'm going to get on an airplane, and there in the cockpit, wearing a uniform and frowning at the instruments, will be somebody I went to high school with, somebody like Billy Kirkwood, who once, at the Halloween Dance, on purpose, set fire to his own hair.

And let's not even TALK about what happens to luggage. I'm going to have a little sticker made up: YOU CAN CHECK MY LUGGAGE WHEN YOU PRY MY COLD, DEAD FINGERS OFF THE HANDLE. Everybody feels this way. Everybody carries everything on board. You see people stuffing Barcaloungers into the overhead racks.

TRUE ANECDOTE: Recently the remains of Pvt. Eddie Slovik, the only American executed for desertion during World War II, were supposed to be flown via TWA from New York, N.Y., to Detroit, Mich., so naturally they wound up in San Francisco, Calif. This really happened. Fortunately somebody managed to track Pvt. Slovik down before he earned a Frequent Flier bonus trip to the Far East.

Meanwhile, here in the Atlanta airport, we are getting our Safety Lecture.

"In the unlikely event that we make it as far as a body of water before we crash," the flight attendant is saying, "you can use your complimentary snack to repel sharks."

Next to me, the Eastern pilots -- one of whom is, no question about it, YOUNGER than I am -- are looking at the little safety card from the barf-bag pocket, and they are LAUGHING at it. This is the truth. I ask them what is so funny, and they point to the diagram of the plane floating perkily on top of the water, like a giant inflatable pool toy, while the passengers alertly rescue themselves.

"You mean the plane won't do that?" I ask.

"Listen," one of them says. "This plane floats about as well as a boat flies."

Finally, days later, we take off. The pilot is talking on the intercom "Folks," he is saying, "on behalf of your entire flight crew, let me just say that I am setting fire to my hair."

I hope the beverage cart gets here soon..

A British Airways mechanic passes away...

Upon being met at the Pearly Gates, he is asked by St. Peter what is his most heartfelt desire. "To NEVER be around any BA captains!" was his emphatic response.

A few weeks later, while relaxing in the Angel's lounge who should walk in but a British Airways captain in all his regalia. Furious, the mechanic marches off to find St. Peter to complain.

St. Peter calms the man by saying, "There are no BA captains in Heaven. That was God... he just likes to pretend that he is one."

The pilot of an airliner requested a clearance from 25,000 feet to cruise altitude of 31,000 feet. The conversation went something like this:

United 402: "United 402 requesting climb to flight level 310"

ATC: "United 402 maintain flight level 250 for noise abatement".

United 402: "What do you mean maintain 250 'for noise abatement'?".

ATC: "If you climb and hit the traffic at 270, there will be a big noise.".

One day a sweet young lady was conducting a study in to human sexual behaviour. She sat down to think and came to the conclusion that the best place to find participants for the survey would be the airport, as there was a wide range of different people going through.

After about three hours of questioning passengers, she sees a pilot walking to his gate .Having heard of the reputation of pilots she stops him "Excuse me, Captain" she says, "I am doing a survey on human sexuality... I was wondering if you could answer a few questions...."

The pilot agrees, and the young lady starts questioning him. Afterthree or four questions, she asks him "and when was the last time you had sex?". Straight away the Captain replies "1959". The girl was shocked... she looks at the captain and asks "1959 isn't that a long time ago?".

"Oh" the pilot replies "I guess so .. but it's only 2015 now..."

Here's another one from the wacky minds of our Military controllers at Namao. A bit of Background is in order: CFB Edmonton (Namao) is a military field just outside of Edmonton. All aircraft touching down at Namao require a PPR (Prior Permission Request) number, and have to recite it to the controller at first contact. Our flying club is civilian/military, and all our aircraft have permanent PPR's.

One day, we were sitting around listening to the scanner, when a Tomahawk from a local flight school announced inbound for circuits. The controllers asked for the PPR #, and the pilot said they didn't know about one. We expected the aircraft to turn away, but the controller cleared them right-base for 29. We now pick up the audio from this momentous day:

Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go."

Tower: "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29".

<Several more circuits later...>

Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go"

Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How many more circuits were you   planning on making?"

Tomahawk: "We though we'd make one or two more."

Tower: "Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing   fees, and you're up to $13,000 now."

<LONG delay...>

Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!"

<Another LONG delay>

Tower: "Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement."

Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.
Roger.

Pilot's Prayer

When my flying days are over

And from this life I pass.....

I hope they bury me upside down

So the FAA can kiss my ASS!

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"

AC: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"

Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".

Leaving Palo Alto one Friday. A Citabria had just landed:

PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.

XX: Position and hold, 85 Uniform.

Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway near the windsock.

PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the right side of the runway.

XX: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.

A little later, the Citabria was downwind when heard:

PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to eat the seagull on the runway.

A while ago while waiting to depart from Jeffco (Northwest Denver area airport) I heard an obvious student in a Cessna 152:

Ah Jeffco Tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final for ah runway ah 11 . . .

Jeffco Tower: You're not on final, final is when you don't have to turn anymore to get to the runway!

"This is McCarren International departure information Delta. 2100 zulu, [weather, approach information, notams, etc., etc.] Arriving  aircraft contact approach at 118... [silence] You lousy machine, why do you always do this to me?"

Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have   the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

Student Naval Aviator (SNA) flying in back on an instrument hop, very lost, very flustered, inadvertently keys XMIT instead of ICS to tell Instructor Pilot (IP) he is less-than-optimally situationally aware:

SNA: (broadcasts to world) "Sir, I'm all fuked up."

Whiting TWR: "Aircraft using obscenity, identify yourself."

(short pause)

IP: "My student said he was fucked up; he didn't say he was stupid."

Scene 1: it's night over Las Vegas, information Hotel is current and mooney 33W is unfamiliar with procedure and talking to approach control...

Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.

33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet.

approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went like this:

Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.

United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.

Three Rough Landings..

1] An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no," said the pilot, Ma'am, what is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

2] United Airlines PA:

"Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called "touchdown."

3] About 9 or 10 years ago this happened on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas on a particularly windy and bumpy day:

You could tell during the final that the Captain was really having to fight it, and after an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant announced on the PA "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate.."

Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there.

The man replied, "I'm from the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat." Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for over 700 years--but if you insist, well, let's go."

As they both climbed into the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his  shotgun along with him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried, "What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going to lose two on takeoff..."

Controller to aircraft that just landed: "Bear right, next intersection"

Pilot: "Roger, we have him in sight"

ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? "

Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating."

ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."

Purportedly real, but I didn't hear it myself ...

(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)

San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able.   If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway   101 back to the airport.

(Heard on the radio -  Really )

Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"

Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

"Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner thousand times, negative on the affair ..."

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.

"Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanour seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded.

"We're going to get help..."

After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an Australian commercial airline, that co-pilot heard the Captain announce "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our first officer".

Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it, the Captain did an even worse one. The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom announcing "Ladies and Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologise for that rough landing provided today by our Captain".

The Captain immediately responded angrily, "What did you say that for?".

The First Officer replied "Remember a couple of months back? I owed it to you!".

"But I never keyed the mike!", responded the Captain.

Today two mechanics taxied a 727 into one of the satellite ramps at Terminal A in Newark. The accident sheared the top off the fuselage from just above the radome and going all the way back to the front door.

I was wondering, is this kind of damage repairable or would this be a total loss?

(reply)
Yes, it is possible to retrain the mechanics, but generally, it's easier to just take them out back, shoot them, and call it a total loss :-)